If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
