$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
