Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
