you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
