I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
