I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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