Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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