My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
