Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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