my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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