i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
