My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
