I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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