He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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