I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
