I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
