Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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