Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just cropdusted the office
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
did i just pee glitter
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
