We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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