This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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