I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
