Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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