he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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