if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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