remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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