What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
this beer tastes like vomit already
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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