there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
