Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
