Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
