you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
