dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
