she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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