Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
