For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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