someone get that fucking seahorse.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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