thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
