Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You have to summon your inner elephant
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
