she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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