shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
