Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
