Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
