The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
Randomize