Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"