Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
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Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.