Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
