My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day