i think i have two assholes
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze