I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?