I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
