My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm like, not good at living.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
