I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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