I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
