I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
