woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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