I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
