I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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