My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
