I bet he comes in French.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
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Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
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Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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