ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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